A Bit of Peace and Quiet

Angus McGole was a miserable soul,

who hated the company of others.

Even as a child, he’d be mostly inside,

and would rarely play out with his brothers.

That hermit McGole had a heart black as coal,

And rarely did leave his own flat.

Being with people, you see, made him quite angry.

He couldn't even stand his own cat!

Angus McGole has in life just one goal,

and that’s to live somewhere remote.

But his budget won’t meet that of a mountain retreat,

so he’s stuck here for now, the old goat.

It’s the wee early hours of one morning

when Angus is watching TV

and an advert comes on, and McGole's quite transfixed.

It seems custom-made for him, you see.

They’re wanting some volunteers at NASA

and are recruiting from all over the place.

They’re wanting a fella to travel interstellar

and to be boldly flung out into space.

“Jings!” thinks McGole, “it sounds perfect!”

And books his flight right there and then.

“I’ll go into space, leave the whole human race,

and nae one’ll bother me again”.

So Angus finds himself at NASA,

With a handful of other brave souls.

They do loads of tests, to find who is best,

And the best of the best is… McGole.

  

“We’ll be launching you off in a rocket,

It’ll be further than man’s ever flown.

You’ll be landing on a planet way out there

and we’ll test how you cope all alone.”

“We’re after the right kind of person.

They’ll need to be mentally fit.

Does that sound anything like you?”

“Aye, a bit,” smirked McGole, “Just a bit.”

So McGole is sat there on the launch pad,

and listening as they count down from ten,

then the boosters ignite and old Angus takes flight,

hoping never to see people again.

As our world shrinks away on the view screen

and Angus travels out deep in space,

he takes off his gloves and he flicks Earth the V’s,

“In your face, human race, in your face!”

The first five years spent were a doddle,

the next five even easier still.

He’s happy as can be, in his own company,

his life-time achievement fulfilled.

An alarm sounds, he looks at the view-screen.

He can see his new home out in space,

The rocket slows now as it prepares to touch down,

and there’s a huge smile on Angus’s face.

He carefully puts on his spacesuit,

He can’t wait to get out and explore.

The airlock opens wide, and he’s then horrified,

by the thing that he sees out the door.

A city with millions of people,

It’s even more crowded than Earth.

He sinks to his knees and cries “Ach no, God, please..”

(but no answer comes, for what it’s worth).

“Good news!” said a man, sent to greet him.

“You’ll have company now, never you fear.”

“Just as you took flight, we invented Faster Than Light.

And luckily enough, beat you here!”